The Story of Jeffery
I thought I was losing my mind. I had chosen Jeffery out of 42 responses to my personal ad, intrigued by his differences from other men I had dated. Once I was in really deep, and he lived in my house, I found he was as abusive and neglectful as any man I had ever met. If I complained, I might lose him. But did I really even want him? What if I never found anybody else? What was wrong with me? How did I keep ending up in this situation?
"Everyone Seems Normal Until You Get to Know Them"
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| Worry: Tormenting Yourself With Unnecessary Thoughts. |
I was not alone. A recent Google search for the phrase "Am I Crazy" resulted in 1,050,000,000 results in 14 seconds. The saying, "Everyone seems normal until you get to know them" is comforting to those of worrying about our mental state, which seems to include most of us at some point in our lives.
In Puritan American, Satan was blamed for mental aberrations. In the '60's, poor parenting took the rap. In line with our self-absorbed culture, nowadays we tend to blame ourselves, as though problems are unusual weaknesses rather than the normal part of life they really are.
Young and old, poor and middle class, we all share the concern at some time. So how do people find out what the problem really is and what can they do about it? How do you know if you’re really mentally ill or disturbed or just having problems?
The Story of Jeffery (Continued)
I got involved with Jeffery to prove to the world (especially my ex-husband) that I was not the problem, everybody else was. I was 34 and Jeff was 25. Jeffery was the opposite of my previous choice of man; clean cut, a military Physician’s Assistant, no "bad boy" history, an accomplished marital arts instructor. We were supposed to have a perfect life for everyone to see and envy. Now that I had figured out the problem (wrong husband) what could possible go wrong?
True Mental Illness - "I Only Do What The Voices In My Head Tell Me To."
True mental illness is defined by the NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Health) as, "A term used for a group of disorders causing severe disturbances in thinking, feeling and relating. They result in substantially diminished capacity for coping with the ordinary demands of life." Key to this definition are the words "severe" and "substantially". A person with a bona fide mental illness that fits this definition will have come to the attention of the health care and/or legal system and been diagnosed at least once, if not several times. While you may not believe the diagnosis, you will have some clues that professionals do. In other words, if you are over the age of 20 and have a true mental illness, you probably know or suspect it. (There are exceptions, such as adult onset schizophrenia. This is characterized by severe disturbances. If in doubt, please see a professional.) These illness often respond only to medication. Simply having a problem does not equate to mental illness.
Personality Disorders - I’m OK, You’re Peculiar
Not as serious as mental illness, the next level is made up of personality disorders. According to
Psychology Today, personality disorders are "deeply ingrained ways of thinking and behaving that are inflexible and generally lead to impaired relationship with others." Key to this definition are the words "inflexible" and "impaired". A harmless habit of chewing gum, for example, is not a personality disorder. Needing to make everyone you come into contact with spit out their gum so you can sterilize it, indicates there may be a personality disorder. In this example, it may be Compulsive Obssessive Disorder.
| This could be very intimidating. |
The next level down is where most of us come in, people sometimes struggling with problems. People who are not mentally ill and do not have personality disorders still suffer from emotional problems. In some circles, therapy time is seen as vital and normal as dental visits. Just as you don’t wait until you need a root canal to see the dentist, good self-care means going in for regular cleanings. But in many families, the very idea of going to a professional and paying money to get help is deeply shameful evidence of stupidity. Unfortunately, these are often the very people who need help the most and would greatly benefit from it.
What the Experts Say
What do people fear most for their metal state? Two local experts, both working professionals, have different takes on this question. According to Dr. Kyle Neeley, N.M.D., the number one issue he sees in his patients is fear of loss of control. "Control of self, control of their bladder, control of relationships, it all goes back to fear of loss of control," he says. "A small child doesn’t want to be sent to bed, so she poops her pants. Why? To regain some measure of control over the situation. We start early." Dr. Neeley is a renaissance man, an international lecturer, healer, and counselor who focuses on the total well-being of his patients. "The medicinal part of my practice is an important as the counseling and teaching aspects, " he reports. "I try to guide patients to realize for themselves that all we actually have control of is ourselves - and not completely over that."
"Many medical problems are rooted in the emotions. Often, people can heal themselves. The first part of the process is realizing there is problem. Then committing to resolving it. Once those stages have been gone through, physical symptoms improve and may disappear altogether."
"I Believe Everyone Can Change"
| Dr. Kay Lesh |
Dr. Kay Lesh, PhD, a Tucson author,educator and psychologist, describes her patients as affected by a lack of self-esteem. "This comes form a variety of sources, parenting and the media being two of the largest factors. When we don’t feel good about ourselves, it manifests itself in a variety of ways. We see poor relationships, people holding themselves back from success, underemployment and the associated problems that brings."
What brings people in to see her? "There is usually a crisis trigger, perhaps the third bad relationship in a row, a job loss, or another failing grade. The crisis trigger is almost always related to a loss. There is a lot to truth to the idea of hitting rock bottom before being able to go back up. This is why forced therapy, perhaps as prescribed by the court or as part of a divorce threat, rarely works. People have to want to change. Sometimes the forced participant will see how the therapy can help them be happier. "I’m an optimist." she says, "That’s why I work with people. I believe everyone can change."
The Story of Jeffery (Continued)It was the a loss of my dream of a perfect life that triggered me into therapy. Jeffery was supposed to prove that I was normal and desirable and our fairy book life would dazzle everyone. Instead he was rarely home, and when he was seemed determined to see how much extra housework he could cause me. I would come home from work to overflowing garbage pails, filled sinks of dirty dishes, clothes and books strewn from one end of the house to the other, and on one memorable occasion, the aftermath of him allowing his two year old daughter to play with my nail polish and belongings. The floor from the living room door to the kitchen was literally piled with my belongings pulled off of shelves and out of closets. I had to make a path to cross the room.
But it wasn’t only his laziness and sloppiness that were making me crazy. He got off work at 5 and would turn up at home at 11, swearing he’d been stuck in traffic. We never went anywhere, and he introduced me to no one. He didn’t want to talk to me, sleep with me, or be seen in public with me. I was, to put it mildly heartbroken, bewildered and madder than a cat in a bathtub. Not that it helped. Then came the night he went alone to a fancy rehearsal dinner for his best friend’s wedding after telling me spouses weren’t invited. I called one of the other spouses of the wedding party to commiserate and was told by the babysitter "everybody was gone to the dinner." Everybody but me, that is. When he got home from his 7:00 p.m. dinner at 3:30 a.m, his belongings were in boxes outside the front door.
Defining Talk Therapy
According to the Encyclopedia of Mental Disorders, Talk Therapy is an alternate name for the various forms of psychotherapy that emphasize the importance of the patient speaking to the therapist as the main means of expressing and resolving issues. Modern talk therapy invokes the inner healing resources of the patient. In order to communicate their distress to the therapist, the patient must verbalize the situation. This requires problem recognition, thought organization, and presentation in a logical coherent manner. This alone can be enormously helpful.
Drs. Lesh and Neeley also agree that therapy is most effective when the subject is guided to making their own realizations about their problems. Talking at a patient or telling them what to do is rarely effective. "Patients have to be motivated. The problem with some personalities is that they cannot see anything wrong with them so why would they change?" Dr. Lesh says. She continues thoughtfully, "it takes a great deal of courage and hard work to change through therapy. I’m always amazed at what people can do."
In this, Dr. Neeley agrees. "The problem is at least 1/4 solved by the very fact the person is willing to seek help. You have to first admit you have some role in your own unhappiness. As long as everything is everyone else’s fault, you give away all your power."
"I Never Meant to Hurt You" - The Story of Jeffery (Continued)I had done just that - handed Jeffery the power or my of happiness and success. Since he was so miserable, it would naturally follow that he would make me the same. "There’s a lot to be said for the ‘misery loves company’ theory," Dr. Lesh says.
Jeffery proved something all right. There was something wrong with me and another person wasn’t going to fix it. If a man that looked so perfect from the outside could get past my defenses and turn my world upside down, I knew I needed help.
Now that he was out of my house, a certain measure of my self-confidence returned .I entered talk therapy and some of the hardest work of my life began. Jeffery immediately changed back into the man he’d been before he moved in and begged me to reconcile But this time I had support and I demanded Jeffery tell me what was going on. I was glad to have the resources of a talented therapist when Jeffery confessed that unlike the perfect man I had chosen, he was actually a raging alcoholic, the victim, along with his mother, of long term child sexual abuse by his grandfather. As the child of an alcoholic, I had managed out of the pool of 42 men to find what was comfortable for me, another troubled drunk in my life. "Not a healthy choice, or a good one," the therapist clarified, "But a comfortable one."
In typical fashion, once Jeffrey was safely in my house and catered to, he lost interest and behaved as badly as he could. Throwing him out satisfied his need for women to be mean to him and he fell back in love with me. "I don’t know why I do these things," he whined. "I never meant to hurt you."
More on Talk Therapy
According to Dr. Lesh, if a patient is overwhelmed with depression or anxiety, then it is appropriate to medicate until the patient is able to participate in their own healing.
Bad Olden Days
Not that everyone agrees with modern therapy. Much criticism has been leveled against the modern psychiatric profession. Scientology is famous for disagreeing with the entire mental health system, as actor Tom Cruise publicized in his 2008 rant. Their position is explained on this website, which reads, "at best, psychiatry suppresses life’s problems; at worst it causes severe damage, irreversible setbacks in a person’s life and even death." Scientologists are so critical of the entire psychiatric profession, they consider treatment to be a violation of human rights. An excellent history and summary of the opposition is found in Jon Ronson’s The Psychopath Test.
More criticism results from the steady increase in recognized disorders. This article examines the current controversy surrounding inclusion of bitterness as a disorder. Some experts believe bitterness is an acquired personality trait, rather than a disorder. The Story of Jeffery (Conclusion)
Some couples continue the dance that Jeffery and I were doing for years. Talk therapy guided me to realize how my upbringing affected my view of life, and helped me change those views to healthier ones Jeffery is but a distant memory, and I have happily been with my current husband almost 20 years. I owe Jeffery a great deal. If he hadn’t made me feel as though I were losing my mind, I would never have sought help.
We’re All A Little Bit Nuts
In her article, Am I Normal, Annie Murphy Paul writes, "The idea that human nature can be reflected through personality traits has been around a long time, It is it gaining new momentum. As a result the new view of personality heralds a revolution in how we view disorder, marking a shift away from rigid categories." In other words, we're all a little bit nuts.
